Today I’m inspired to write about an experience I had just the other day. I recently had to spend a ton of money on an unexpected bill and was trying very hard to keep my head in a positive mindset…I was also feeling unaccomplished and stagnant- I felt as though I didn’t have a good plan set in place for myself and was suddenly very unsure of my future. I have been working hard on keeping an active lifestyle, including yoga, pole and exercising. However, my diet lacks the nutrition I need to gain muscle and I have found I am still burning more calories than I can afford. This is a problem I have dealt with for what feels like most my adolescence and adult life. Although I am doing research and adjusting my meals, I have had to stop working out and focus more on eating, which often makes me feel like I am wasting my time because the results themselves take a bit of time. Sometimes these internal hurtles become a little too much to bare and the stress begins to seep into other parts of one’s life, like work. I started to struggle at work as well. Forgetting orders, feeling absentminded and being a little too sensitive after customers getting frustrated at me was starting to drain my energy. By the time I got home after a shift, I just wanted to sleep.
One morning as I was heading into work, I got an email from a local artist and friend, Daniel Sprick. He had attached a recently finished painting of myself that he had started about a year ago. Flattered and slightly amazed he had actually finished it, my heart leapt with joy and I could hardly contain my awe at such an amazing thing for someone to do! Later at work, a coworker and myself were given a private tour of a newly built apartment complex across from our building. 35 floors up, we gazed down at Denver city completely amazed at the beauty. It was incredible to see the process of the building coming together, and the fact that humans have evolved enough that we create such massive structures completely blew my mind! I got out of work by the afternoon and felt so optimistic and energetic I decided to walk home, typically taking me about 40 minutes. Enjoying all the interesting sights along the way, I arrived home were I was loved up by my sleepy cat. I sat down and did my Japanese lessons on Duolingo and decided to take a shower in case I needed to leave the house later on. While reflecting on my day in the shower, I suddenly felt so clear minded about my future. I felt confident that my plan would propel me into the lifestyle I desired. It was almost as if a strong energy came through me and filled me with joy. As if I had embraced an old friend I hadn’t seen for a while, my body felt warm and comforted. I realized how full my day was, and how lucky I am that my only stresses are of monetary value, not disaster or illness or losing loved ones. I felt beautiful and kind to myself once again, and apologized for forgetting how important that is, even in our most difficult times. My eyes filled with tears of gratitude, thankful that such understanding of my trials and pain had led me to this realization and, in the process, helped me strengthen my will to keep trying. Most important- to trust myself. Sometimes even trusting my higher self.
Now, hopefully this doesn’t seem like me just bitching about what lots of people deal with regularly. It’s unfortunate that sometimes we are unified by a mutual hate for our job, constant anxiety attacks, or depression. All too much it seems that these struggles consume most of one’s energy-without them even realizing at times. I share this not knowing who will see it, but hopeful that if someone does, they will feel a little less alone in their own trials. It has taken me years to get this mindset of finding strength in my flaws, solutions to my problems, clarity in my mind….but throughout it all I am happier than I have ever been in my life. My worst fears have already come true and I am no longer afraid of the future. These moments of weakness become reminders of how powerful we truly are-that what used to feel impossible is actually very possible and attaining a constant feeling of relief is never too far out of reach.